im leaving cali in a couple of hours. :( i love it here. The weather is amazing and the scenery is just breathe taking. I hate that I have to leave but i know one thing for sure, I will def. be back. I gotta learn to let go of things too. I keep jeff at arms length at all times when im here, well i wont be able to do that soon. we have been through our ups and downs since he has gotten back. There were times that I wanted to just give up but i think that its worth fighting for. I know everything isnt perfect and not one realtionship in this world is perfect. I think it takes getting through a lot of bumps in the road to get to where you want to be and even then its still not perfect. I hate that I am leaving him. I am such a jealous person it is gonna be so hard but ive already accepted the fact that I am moving and thats the biggest part right?? Now I just have to get used to it. I miss my family and friends and I think its great that I will be living close enough to visit pensacola but still not living there because although I have made a lot of changes in my life, I dont want to get sucked back in. Anyways thats the update for now. Im looking forward to me and jeffs drive across country but I know once we get there we are gonna be so busy with my family and his that time will fly and before I know it, I will be bringing Jeff to the airport. Wish me luck... Merry Christmas everyone!

So I was just looking at pics of me and jeff, I realized that I need to stop getting on to him about every thing that he does. I need to stop expecting the world from him because If I continue to do that I am going to lose him. I also realized that if I lost jeff I think I would die. I can NOT picture anyone else in my future. I have tried and tried but I only see his face. I know him talking to the ex while in iraq was not a good thing but I need to let it go. He is with me because he wants to be with me and if he didnt, he wouldnt be with me. I still chose to be with him and if I dont let it go, that too will ruin our realtionship. I need to stop trying to catch him at things. I cant live my life like this. I need to just live and if something happens, take it from there. I also just realized how scary it is to be in love with someone. I have given my all to Jeff and I didnt realize it till it was too late. I have never really been scared to fall in love. I guess after the baby daddy, you could say I was cautious..but Jeff some how still managed to get past my wall. The thought of someone having your heart and having the ability to completely break it into peices scares the shit out of me. We are getting older now and I guess its normal to think into the future. I am scared that Jeff doesnt see me in his. I want to marry this man. I want to wake up next to him every single day for the rest of my life. I want him to be one of the father figures in my kids lives and I really cant picture my life any other way. I am really scared now. I dont ever want to lose him and I guess this is all outta my hands and the only person who really knows is god.

Yesterday was a very stressful day. I dont know why my life is on trial. I dont understand why things were said about Jeff...I dont know why people are putting way more stress on my shoulders than I need right now. and If jeff was such a bad person then why would my own mother say these things about him.....
I wrote a blog on myspace about Jeff..and this was her reply..
Brytney, you never cease to amaze me. You have become so wise in the past few years, so mature. Life will continue to throw challenges your way, stay strong and follow through with the choices you make. If you perceive these bumps in the road as challenges that you CAN conquer instead of ‘problems that get you down,’ you will continue on a path to personal growth that will prepare you for all that life has in store. There is nothing in life that can stop you, nothing that you can not handle. Just remember, life is about the journey, not the destination. Exhale and enjoy every moment of it. </p>

So far, I have witnessed you handle yourself with such great strength and pride during Jeff’s deployment. You are an inspiration to those around you. You are very brave, very strong, and have great faith. Jeff is a lucky man to have such tremendous support from you. You are helping him to be the best he can be. And this is so precious in a relationship, not only when he is deployed, but always. Two people should compliment each others lives, support each others goals or missions, and be the driving force behind each other. You two truly do these things for each other. I am so happy to see you in such a great relationship; you deserve the best!! I look forward to the day that you two are together again. I love you baby, Mom


I shouldnt even feel like I should explain myself..so thats fine if you wanna go around saying I havent change or bettered my life. You say love is blind ..but you also dont even know what love is. You say that Jeff is an asshole but you have never even met him so how can you say that? Me and jeff arent perfect we get in arguments..but who doesnt? I dont understand why I live 3000 miles away and I am still getting talked about especially from you..who lets guys use and disrespect you all the time. Ive grown up..I am doing all the right things in life but yet I AM the one who is getting picked apart. Things were said about me but yet you are trying to flip it around and say its my fault..which makes no sense at all. I dont know who to trust anymore and it hurts...and to put this all on me while Jeff is in Iraq is ridiculous. I think you need to figure out things and problems in your own life before you start picking apart mine..because sweetheart you have a long way to go.

finals
no sleep
school early
tons of errands
doctors appt...UGH!
more doctors appts to come
just wish something would go right
why does bad shit happen to good people
I dont know whether to cry or be relieved
my mind is racing and wont stop
Im gonna miss the old people
Dont want to go to florida without Jeff
pain
friends coming tomorrow
alcohol
need to run
Im alone
Sometimes I feel like I cant get through the night
My body aches
I long for someone
laughter
smiles that brighten up your day
love
Sometimes I dream of death and wake up crying
stresss
marriage
college degrees
failures
achievers

Im so aggravated and its over something so little and stupid..its just annoying that I cant just live my life and not be bothered. I just want to be left alone. I am soo lucky and I really am at the happiest point in my life.. although my boyfriend is in Iraq, he is the man of my dreams and I am lucky to have him and I have two wonderful kids. I just get so frustrated sometimes..my nerves are uneasy I guess and I sometimes I just dont know how to feel. Sometimes I think that I am hurting so bad that I am just numb to it and other times I cant help but just sit down and cry. Almost one month down .that makes me smile! I dunno as I am sitting her writing about this I am not feeling so aggervated anymore..its stupid to get upset over something..its just another obstacle trying to get in my way. Its not like I cant get past it. Me and Jeffs love is to strong for all that..but sometimes I really feel like some people just want to see me fail and all that does is make me fight harder. I am a fighter and I always will be.

I really want to feel jeffs arms around me right now. I want to have my head on his chest and I just want to stay like that forever. Some days are harder than others..and today is just one of those days. I am lost without him today. Weekends really get to me because I'm not busy. I don't have that many friends out here and the best one I have is in New Mexico until the end of this month. ughh!! I guess the fact that I really don't have friends didnt bother me when Jeff was here because I didnt really want to hang out with anyone else but him. The best part of my whole situation is the fact that when I get to see him again it will be like the first time all over again. You really realize how much you love someone when you go through something like this. You also realize just how strong love can be. Someone once told me that being strong isnt about not being afraid, its about being scared to death but finding it in you to still go on. I would have to say I totally agree. I keep going on. I keep that smile on my face and I am still charging forward. I may be a wreck inside at times but no matter how hard it gets ...I still go on. Sometimes I get tired of staying positive..and I crack.. but then after a good hard cry ..I manage to stay positive again. From this I have learned soo much already. That there is nothing in life that I cant not get through. There is nothing in life that is gonna get in my way of where I want to be. ANyways, Almost a month down! 5 1/2 to 6 months to go!

I seriously hate the world right now..I am so fucking angry. I just want Jeff to come home. I hate every single second of this and Im gonna hate it all the way until the end. This sucks. I dont want to do anything. I cant fucking eat ..because it makes me wanna puke and to tell you the truth I dont feel hungry. I dont want to sleep because when I wake up reality comes back to me and Jeff is gone. I cant be happy. I dont want to do this for 7 months. It really sucks. I have never felt this before. Its worse than anything in the world. It has only been like 3 or 4 days.. ive lost count and it has felt like a month. Everyday has not gotten better its just worse. I dont want to go to school I dont want to come home. Its like a huge hassel to go to the store because I dont even want to get dressed. I had to make myself take a shower today. I cry all the time. I cant even write to Jeff without crying. I have not taken my mind off of him not one second since he has been gone. I am going insane. And what makes it even worse not one of my friends have even called to check on me. I have had to call them. Thanks guys. I am the most unselfish person and anytime I know one of my friends is going through something...or even doing something exciting I always make sure to call them and either see how they are doing or see how things went. ..I am so angry right now and I dont know what to do with all this. When Jeff calls I have to pretend to be happy so he does not worry about me and he focuses on what he has to do to get home but it is soo hard because he is the one person in the whole entire world that i want to lean on right now. He is my bestfriend. He is the one that is always there for me and now he is gone... I might as well be dead because I am not really living. These next 7 months are a waste of time for me. Nothing is gonna matter. I dont want anything happy to happen beacause I wont be able to share it with him...and I am scared for something bad to happen because he is the one always there to pick me up. I dont want my kids to forget him because he loves them soo much. I am soo lucky to have found a guy that except my kids like they are his own. He would do anything for them. He has been there for soo much already I dont want him to miss out on anything. He is my entire world and now he has been taken from me. It was soo hard to tell him bye. TO leave knowing he was less than 5 ft away from me and that I was not gonna see him again for soo long..but yet I couldnt go by him I had to leave. I was soo sad that night. I couldnt control my tears. Even when we smiled together it was still sad because I will not be able to see his smile or hear his laugh for months. I wish he was off training. I feel so stupid now to have complained about him leaving for a month ..what I would do to have him training instead of in Iraq. To see one of the strongest men I know cry broke me into peices. I could not handle it. I cant handle it. I dont want to handle it.. but yet I have to. I pray for him every night ..I just cant wait to hold him in my arms again. The feeling I get when I am around him..it just feels like its where I belong and I just cant wait to get back to where I belong.

So Jeff leaves on Tuesday... I feel like we need to do so much more stuff. I feel like we need more time. I feel like when he leaves I need to tell him bye like Im never gonna see him again. I dont know how to feel. I keep telling myself we have more time... but its happening no matter what I do. Sometimes I feel like I want to just go ahead and get it over with and sometimes I just want to hold on to him until the last sec. possible. I am a strong girl. Ive been through soo much but I dont think theres anything I can possible do to get me ready for this. I dont want to go everyday wondering if Jeffs okay. I dont want to go to sleep at night without telling him goodnight. I dont want to go one day without talking to him. But the fact is I prolly wont talk to him for weeks at a time just in letters or emails. I dont want my kids not to remember him anymore or him miss out on seeing them get older. I dont want to not remember what it feels like to be in his arms. This is all so hard. Im gonna need my friends so much for the next 7 months. I am lucky to be blessed w wonderful friends and family to help me get through this. I love u guys!

I HATE THE WORLD..FUCK OFF
Batman

http://www.myspace.com/160486914

Date: Feb 28, 2007 11:17 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: you are the dumbest bitch ever if you think that Jeff is going to stay with you. Think about it. You ugly and i hear you got 2 kids. Fucken 21 with 2 kids!!! Give me a break. who wants to date a girl with kids? You are already all used up. You think he's not out there getting other pussy? I know this mutherfucker and i know how he goes through bitches. Mabye he has been with you for a while but i can promise you, you aint the only one he fucking. Enjoy it while it lasts cuz eventually he will see what the fuck he's doing with someone like you.

This song tears me up.....amazing lyrics..


A father waits upon a son
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me

I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say
Won't you wait for me

It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home

We fight to stay alive
But somebody's gotta die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe

It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming
You know that I'll be coming home

It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home